07/01 Dubai Day 5: The Quarrel in Middle East

Elsa’s actual performance is on 8th Jan, Sunday. For the past 1 week, it has been a series of practices, practices and more practices. Although we did went for some local attractions in the morning, I was busy for the rest of the time, helping the ladies and girls run errands like carrying water, food, hold props and take photos or videos during their practices.

It was exceptionally busy today, as it is the last day of practice outside the actual event hall. Tomorrow the ladies will have to reach the concert hall early to do some last min practices on the real stage, before the actual performance tomorrow evening.

After their day practices, everyone head home or hotel to have a good rest tonight. So we were back to our hotel room early after a light dinner together.

At first I thought finally I am going to have a relaxing evening just lazing around in the hotel room, but little did I expect what is going to come next…

I was watching some TV on Dubai channel, when Elsa came over and sat on the sofa beside me after she finished showering, watching videos of the practices over the past few days to review the mistakes she made etc.

But then, we started talking about what we are going to do next week after we wrap up our Dubai trip and head back to sg.

“I’ll go back to work immediately of course. I have spend lots on this trip for the hotel and air tickets, so I need to get back to work in order to pay off my credit cards next month“ I replied Elsa.

I also need to save up, and prepare for Feb and march after she sign the divorce papers… after I move out of the house, rent my own room and our divorce are ongoing, then I’ll need to save up at least 1 month of bills and expenses before I can work any full time job.

Since now I no longer have the reason to continue working grab… as you are the biggest reason why I stayed on in grab till now…

But I’m not expecting what Elsa is going to say next. She said:

“Why not we don’t go ahead with the divorce anymore? You told me that Duong has blocked you and no longer talking to you right? Why can’t you not move out, save that money, leave grab immediately and go look for your full time job 1st?“

She continued, “I know you didn’t ask me for forgiveness. I know you feel guilty towards me and still want to continue taking care of me even if we really divorce. It’ll be really difficult for both of us to go through a divorce… if you are not planning to leave me for her, then what is the purpose of divorcing…?”

“I want to give you a chance. As long as you promise me that you will cut all ties with her from now on, I won’t ask for divorce le. I know you are a man of your word, so as long as you can promise me this, I will give you this chance” she said

For a moment, I was dumbstuck. I didn’t expect this from her at all, as we have been talking about our divorce since last Christmas, and even laid down all the terms and conditions for our divorce. And, I have been so busy trying to earn money and save up as much as I can to move out of the house and rent my own room, I have never stopped to consider what if Elsa doesn’t want to divorce me anymore.

I wanted to say “Yes, let’s not divorce anymore” I wanted to continue staying in our house so that I don’t have to stress over renting a place and moving out on my own. I wanted to take my savings back so that I don’t feel the pressure after looking at my credit card and the household bills. I wanted everything to go back to normal like how it has always been…

But I couldn’t. I cannot say yes. Because your face came into my mind again. You, Jayden, LinLin… All 3 of your faces flooded my mind and heart, and the idea of not seeing you and the children’s for the rest of my life simply tear my heart apart…

When I think about your smile, all this pressure and stress, or hardship I’ll be facing if I divorce and start my life all over again, suddenly seems so small and unimportant…

Elsa, still sitting on the sofa beside me, and holding my hands since just now, was still looking at me waiting for my answer…

I finally gave her my answer:

“Sorrie baobei, but I can’t promise you this. At least not right now. Because I still need to talk to Duong. I have not had a chance to properly talk to her and agree on how both of us is going to move forward. The bank loan for her house not secured yet. Her house renovation not done yet. She will still need my help until she settle down in her new home…”

“And, I have promised her before that no matter what happens, I’ll never throw her away. You know I am a man of my word, and I’ll do my best to fulfill every promise I made. This is one promise to her that I need to keep.”

My dear Em Yeu, you were right when you asked me to think about ‘what if’ one day Elsa found out about us. You were right when you asked me what will I do when this happens. You were right to prepare me for this day where I have to make a choice.

And like what I’ve promised you before, no matter what happens between us, no matter whom we end up with, I will never throw you away, like what your ex boyfriend did to you.

So even before the video call you want me to make to Elsa to prove my love to you, I have already made my decision – I will not throw you away no matter what happens between me & Elsa, and I will keep my word to you, even if it means I have to accept my divorce…

How about you Em Yeu…? Are you really going to throw me away because I couldn’t marry you…? Are you really going to throw me away because I couldn’t be the legal father of your children…?

Are you going to throw me away despite our promises not to throw each other away no matter what happens and will grow old together…?

Of course, for the next hour Elsa and me start quarreling. She asked me why am I holding onto a promise when you already asked me to stay out of your life etc… she even brought up whether is it because she was unable to bear my child, that’s why I don’t want to keep her as my wife and started crying…

My heart broke when I see her cry again. But I have no choice but to hurt her again. I know I am a bad husband to her, and a bad lover to you… the last thing I wanted, is to make either of you sad or hurt…

All I can do, is to leave the room for her to cool down, like how I left your house last week…

*****

I ended up walking around the streets by myself for the next 2 hours… it was cold at night, and the wind was especially strong as it is still winter in Dubai.

As I sat down on the side of the streets, looking at people and cars passing me by, I took the chance to think about what Elsa and me quarreled earlier, and especially the quarrel I had with you before Christmas that led to the video call, and the night before new year where you chased me out of your house after finally believing I have really told Elsa the truth about us and she wants a divorce…

Em Yeu, till now I have not lied to you about anything. Every word I told you, every promise I made to you, came from the bottom of my heart. Those are not honey words just to make you fall in love with me….

But, I have realized now, after I think back my choices and regrets over the past 2 weeks since Christmas, that actually I have indeed told you 1 biggest lie…

And that is I will stop loving you…

I can’t stop. The day when you hugged me and kissed me back, I have already made up my mind to love you in whatever ways I can think of. I have already put you and the children in the center of my heart for the past half year, and every single day I can only think about making sure you and the children are not hungry etc and what I can do to make you feel warm and happy, something which you told me Kenny failed to do…

I have already treated you like my own wife, a wife that fate has only allowed me to meet you 15 years late…

That is the reason why, like Elsa, I cannot abandon you. I simply couldn’t do it. I cannot stop thinking of you, caring for you and worrying about you…

I’m really happy when we are in genting. I was really happy when we are at Ice Magic. Because I felt like your husband, I felt like Jayden and linlin’s father, and I felt like a man you love…

So, now I realized that ‘I will stop loving you‘, is the only lie I have ever told you… because if I can really stop loving you, I wouldn’t have told Elsa the truth about us when I know she would want a divorce. If I can stop loving you, I would have accepted her chance to not divorce…

Here, in the quiet and chilly streets in the Middle East, I have realized exactly how much I loved you. I loved you so much that I’m willing to give up my marriage, just to fulfill the biggest promise that I have ever made to you – and that is I won’t throw you away no matter what happens to us…

So, I have made up my mind at this moment – once I’m back to sg, I’ll try to talk to you again. I want to let you know that, no matter what you did to me, I still love you. I want to let you know that, no matter what you decided to keep me as, be it a lover, a friend or even a stranger, I will still love you until the end of time…

Wait for me, Em Yeu. I’ll be back soon

*****

As I think about how to talk to you again and let you know that I’ll be keeping my promise to you that I’m not going to throw you away no matter what happens, I suddenly remembered I didn’t have the chance to tell anyone I came to Dubai.

As I took my SIM card and swap out the Dubai line that I have been using since I reached Dubai, I kept wondering whether have you realized I have not been coming to work for the past week.

And I was hoping that you have missed me as much as I missed you somewhere deep down inside my heart…

The moment I turned on my phone after changing my SIM card, a lot of WhatsApp messages came on, but none from you…

Frankly speaking, I was really disappointed… I was hoping to see just 1 simple message from you asking where did I go or something…

Maybe you are still angry with me. Maybe your orders has been good and you are so busy until you didn’t notice I’m gone for the past few days. Maybe you missed me but you don’t want to be the one messaging me cause of your pride etc

Haiz, I’m just a joke…. Just because you didn’t message me, I’m finding 1 thousand and 1 reason why you didn’t, to comfort myself that you didn’t hate me enough to mean what you told me that night at your house to stay out of your life…

But received a message from Ah Ji though:

Hmmm, when have I told Ah Ji that I came to Dubai…? Maybe I have told him before but I don’t remember… Well, at least somebody noticed I’m not around… and light my Dubai ciggy to smoke away my disappointment…

By the time I reached back the hotel room, it is almost 4am, and Elsa has already fallen asleep. Looking at her puffy eyes, I know she must have cried herself to sleep again. My heart bleed with guilt while I sat down beside her quietly and wished her goodnight without waking her up…