30/12 Preparing to Leave
You didn’t come to work today… images of your tears last night when I went up your place and your face when you asked me to get out of the house and your life filled my mind all day…
Why? Why I end up hurting you again…? Why did I make you cry again when I loved you so much
I always believed I can make you and the children happy. I always thought as long as I think for you, care for you and give you whatever I can, you will be happy…
But now, it seems like the only thing that you want, is exactly what I cannot give. You said I have changed. You said I am different from when I first chased you…
But Em Yeu, it wasn’t me whom have changed. What has changed, is your expectations towards me and what you want now that has changed…
But, it is not your fault. The reason why your expectations changed, the reason why you grew jealous and greedy, the reason why you want me to prove my love for you by telling Elsa the truth about u and me, was because you want me to stay by you and the children’s side wholeheartedly…
All you wanted, is to be the only woman in my heart and life… and I become the father of your children…
When I think of this, all the anger, all the hurt that you have given me since that video call night, just disappeared
But, Em Yeu, I have my responsibilities towards Elsa. Like you, she left her country, her home, her family and friends, and her entire life just to marry me here in sg… I can never abandon her. I just can’t do it
Maybe you are right. I shouldn’t fall in love with you when I already have my responsibilities towards Elsa. But I did. I couldn’t help it but fall in love with you. Your eyes, your smile, your kind heart, your sweetness, your motherly love towards the children etc. everything you have and do, just simply melted my heart…
Perhaps, what Elsa said was right also. I shouldn’t have been honest with you about my feelings for you. I should have stayed quiet about my feelings for you and just continue to help you, support you and take care of you as a friend
Perhaps, what you fall in love with, is not me, but the love, care and attention I have given you…
Would you not fall in love with me if I have not told you my true feelings back then before we are together, if I just stayed as a friend…?
*****
I still have to prepare to leave my home of 3 years. I only got 3 more days to pack before Elsa leave for Dubai. 1st thing I need to get, is a new luggage bag that I can fit in my thermal box
Found this small luggage in jems NTUC. This should work. After all, I’m only going to get a few clothes and a small room in Jurong east to continue working while I have to try start my life all over again. Without savings, without a house, without a wife, without you…
When Allan saw my luggage, he asked “Wah where you going? You going to run away from home?”
I can only laugh and act like I’m making a joke, and reply him “ya lo. Sad.”
Other than you and ah ji, no one else knows that I’m really going to leave my own home…