My Birthday without Em Yeu…

I have never looked forward to my birthday so much before, especially not since a long time ago…

Because for the longest time, I have always felt like I have lived a hard life. Which is something I also have not told you before…

I was an express student back in Secondary school, but due to all the shit that happened during my secondary school days, I was on the verge of dropping out of school. I even gotten straight ‘F’s for almost every subject for my preliminaries exam before my actual ‘O’ levels. I’m already deemed as a doomed student, with no friends in school…

Even when I miraculously made it to polytechnic for my diploma in architecture, I had to drop out of school during my 2nd year due to my mother’s accident and have to start working day and night just to support the family…

After my national service, I once had a small success doing network marketing, but lost everything and landed myself into debts after the company got into problem. Although I was not convicted, I was abandoned by a lot of ‘friends’, lost my reputation and chalked up lots of debts from banks, suppliers and my own distributors..

Right after I am beginning to stand up again and venture into other businesses with a good friend, the world went into recession and all my hard work went down the drain again…

That was when I went back to polytechnic and completed my diploma in interior design, and joined my last company till last year, just before I met you…

That’s why for years, I never felt like celebrating, no matter itz my birthday, Christmas and other festive cause I have faced failure time and again and again in my career and the fight for my own financial freedom…

Until you appear in my life Em Yeu

For the 1st time in so many years, I am really looking forward to birthdays, both yours and mine, after I met you…

Cause both you and me has been born into this world, and finally had the chance to meet in this lifetime. That is the reason why I wanted to make up for every single birthday and present I have missed giving you for your past 39 years of life… that is the reason why I want to celebrate your next 39 years of life and grow old together with you…

But just before your birthday, we were separated by our quarrel… and now, itz my birthday but we are still separated by the many misunderstandings you have towards me, after being set up by that bastard to make you hate me so much, make you believe that I’m a liar, the love and memories we shared together were all nothing but a lie…

At this moment, how much I wished you know that I am one man in your life whom truly loved and care for you so much, much more than myself…

For the past week, I actually had the most ridiculous idea – that despite you have went back to Kenny, despite you have told so many people how much u hate me and want me out of your life, on this day you would actually drop me a birthday wish or something…

On this day, you would still remember it’s my birthday, and you would still want to celebrate with me…

But I can’t help it. No matter how I keep telling myself that the best thing for you now, is for me to hide the truth and let you move on with your life as you no longer need or want me by your life, somewhere deep inside me, I was hoping that you have loved me as much as I loved you…

And I’m still clinging onto the hope, that despite we are now physically apart, our hearts are still together no matter how much you misunderstood me…

So even before it strikes 12am today, I sat in my living room, staring at my phone and waiting to hear some noise outside my door…

Nothing. Both my phone and outside my door are simply silent…

Then 12am came. Still nothing…

I still continue to wait… still continue to pray… until it is 1am

With disappointment and tears in my eyes… I put on my helmet, and went out to do some night orders to cool off my heart and mind…

No sign of Em Yeu at the start of my birthday… perhaps I really meant nothing to you after all…

*****

It’s already a sad morning for me, as there is still no news from my Em Yeu… to make things worse, the orders today is very bad despite it being a holiday weekend…

it became even more gloomy when it started to rain heavily again in the afternoon

So here I am now stuck at parc oasis under the thunderstorm, making me miss you even more than before…

While I’m waiting for the rain to get smaller, I couldn’t help but laugh at myself…

Laugh at the sad and pathetic situation I have put myself in… divorce pending, losing my own house and savings, yet put myself into such debts for the sake of your house, exhausted from working day and night without rest in order to pay off the loans, being set up and framed by your dear ‘Kor Kor’, and yet still being hated by you when I’m not the one who act pitiful or lied to anyone…

And now, I don’t even get just a small ‘Happy Birthday’ from the Em Yeu I love most….

See Em Yeu? I am not as smart as you think I am. In fact, it seems like I’m the stupidest fool instead…

And all I did, was to love and care for you as much as I can, as much as I know how to…

And I fall asleep on a bench under the block, cold and shivering, with tears in the corner my eyes.

I miss you so much…

*****

But I had a small comfort and consolation today – Sherry bought a small cake and sang a birthday song for me together with Ahmad.

I felt so grateful for the kind gesture… she has noticed I’ve been feeling down the whole day, although all I told her was ‘I’m waiting for something’ this morning when she asked.

When I see her walking over with the small cake and lit candle, my tears almost dropped again, as deep in my heart I was thinking :

How much I wish it was you, Em Yeu…

*****

By 11.30pm, still no messages from you… so I came up to the closest place I can get to you

Here I am, opposite your Cck house, the place where I always stand so that you can see me from linlin’s room

But it seems like no one’s home, as all the lights are off…

Oh ya, it was Good Friday and a long weekend. You must have gone out as a family, maybe to Malaysia or something over the weekend…

Well, at least you are moving on from me already… At least you are having fun and spending precious time with your real family.

Maybe i was really just a temporary shelter to you, like what Allan said before… there was never ‘us’. There was only what ‘you’…

Em Yeu, this is the life that you decided you want right…? Are you happy…?

No worries, I am not angry at all….

Just sad… just lonely without you…

If this is the pain and suffering I have to face for loving you… I will take it all…

I lit the candle, and sang a birthday song silently in my heart, as tears filled my eyes again while I hold at the small cream cake in my hands…

Of course, you won’t be able to see my messages… like everything I have written in this blog, these are my words that may never be heard…

Happy Birthday to me…